Surviving and Thriving

Well... Hello!

I've been really busy and really sick.  Work was getting busy and I was enjoying having a routine and expectations.  Then I got really bad acid reflux or so I thought.  I went to the doctor and they told me it was an intestinal infection and just to eat light for awhile.  A couple hours after that I was in the emergency room.  They gave me an anti-nausea med and some morphine and then did a cat scan.  Turns out I had a very sick gallbladder and needed emergency surgery.  They couldn't book an or so they moved me to the med floor and I had surgery the next day.  I was in the hospital for 2 days after that.  My lungs filled up with fluid and I was having a hard time breathing.  But I got out and have been recovering since.  Now I go back to work Wednesday and CAN''T WAIT!  Besides getting back on a routine, I will have money for CHRISTMAS!  Ahh!

But while I was in the hospital, I missed and so did my mom because she stayed with me, My niece's 2nd birthday party!  :(

But all is well.  I am getting better.

AND I LOST 20 lbs!

My sister was home so I went with them Saturday to the apple orchard about 25 minutes from here.  We fed the animals and went to the store and bought a bunch of apples and some fresh apple cider, which was delicious!  Then we went to some friends of the family and had a play date for Kai.  She didn't have a nap so about 3:30 we left and went to my mom's house and while my mom was making supper, my sister and I went to Fleet Farm to go to the Toyland that opened that day.  I bought Kai a laptop from Little Tikes for her birthday in a month.  I am going to visit my sister, her husband, and Kai on her birthday with my mom.  I can't wait seeing that I have only been to their house once.  Anyway, we got back ate supper, put Kai back to bed and watched Made of Honor.  It was pretty good.  This morning we went to church, got coffee, had brunch and then helped pack up the stuff so they could leave.  My mom brought me back here around 2pm.  So I took a nap and relaxed, and now I am online typing this and watching The Ring.

I am so embarassed by how much I ate this weekend.  I mean it was fucking ridiculous.  I don't even know why. I guess just because I could.  

WW starts tomorrow.  I have everything I need, now I just need to put it into action.

The End.  Good Night.

I've recommitted to Weight Watchers!  I bought the monthly pass 8 minutes ago!  I am BACK!!!

I just got home from Quarantine.  Scariest fucking movie..  Not THE scariest but definitely up there.  I am still shaking.   I ate a big thing of popcorn.  I was with 4 other people and VERY embarassed.  I got paid today, so I decided it was time.  Back on track!

Its been awhile since I posted.  A lot of things are going on.  For one, I live in an adult group home for people with mental illness.  However, seeing as I am doing very well and holding down a job, I will be moving out in the near future.  

At my job, I am finally making friends and people are getting past the fact that I do live in a group home.  In fact, they invited me to go with "the girls" to a haunted house tomorrow night and I am VERY excited.  Its one of the first "normal" things I have done in a while.  

Then I have the whole weekend off because my niece Kaityn and my sister Joanna are coming into town!  I rarely see my niece so I am SOOOO excited!  I don't know what we are doing yet, but it should be a lot of fun.

Also, I took my glucose test and the results were negative for diabetes, but I have to be careful and start getting healthier.  Next week, I should be able to afford going back to Weight Watchers!  YAY!  That makes me feel very good.

And then there is Mike.  He is like my best friend and we are hoping that in the future it will be more.  But we have both had bad relationships in the past so we are taking it slow.  It scares me though...  I am afraid that he will decide he doesn't like me and I will be crushed.  I am getting very attached.  I usually don't let myself feel these things.

Thats about it in a nutshell.

I got some routine bloodwork done a couple weeks ago.  It came back that my blood glucose was too high.  So, I made an appointment with and saw the doctor on Monday.  Next Wednesday I am going to have a 2 hour bloodwork screen to diagnose or dismiss diabetes.  I am a little nervous.  Thats all for now.

This weekend was hell for weight watchers.  The big wedding weekend.  Friday night we went to two different bars and ate out all day.  Saturday we stopped at mcdonald's in the morning and then country kitchen for lunch.  Then drinks in the afternoon and a reception dinner.  I left the reception early to babysit my niece who was a little overtired.  I didn't mind though.  I had a lot of time to spend with her.  She will be two in november!  I can't believe how fast she is growing.  And I got home sunday night after another day of eating out.  Then last night my friend Mike and I ordered pizza at his mom's house.  I ate the leftovers tonight for supper.  I really need to get back on track.  Its just so easy to stay eating crappy because it tastes so darn good.  Back to tracking on pen and paper I think.  Hopefully then I can get this under control.. Any suggestions for getting back on track?

I am sooo tired today.  Didn't work, but walked around downtown and fixed up my friends mp3 player with some newer music, she treated me to the most delicious, most greasy unhealthy food we could find.  I had a bacon cheeseburger and fries.  Gah!  Then later I had a candy bar.  I screwed up today, oh well, I can't change it now... Just start over and do it right.  Sometimes you just have to splurge right?  I am not going to stress myself over that.  I am worried about this coming weekend, even though I know it will turn out good.  Back to work tomorrow, although, I work really short shifts, just over the lunch hour for a couple hours.  I can't wait until Thursday!!! I get my hair cut, colored, and highlighted!  Then I get to go shopping for some more clothes for the weekend.

Fun Fun.  Talk more later!  C-ya!

 Well, my weekend was kinda crappy but had a good ending!

I woke up Saturday not feeling the greatest so I slept until work called me in an hour early.  I went in and it became very obvious I was going to throw up.  Which I did after 3 hours.  Walked home and went to bed only to wake up at 11PM to throw up again.  Ick!  I felt like complete shit.  Then I went back to bed.

Woke up at around 7:40 because my aunt was here to pick me up!  I threw on some clothes and ran out the door.  Got to church and afterwards got my picture taken because I am a new member at the church.  Then I went to bible study with my aunt and after that we went out for breakfast!  Everything went great and I think I might finally be able to start patching things up with my family, which makes me very hopeful.

Didn't do too much this afternoon.

Tonight I went to my good friend Mike's moms house.  It was nice to get away and just talk and relax and have fun, which we did.  At least I did.  Now I am back and making cds for people.  Then I am going to play the playstation 2 and go to bed!

Good night everyone!  Talk tomorrow!!!

CUZ I HAVE OFF WORK!

I am almost done with my 6 day stretch of work!!!  Just tomorrow left and it should be fun!  Its the weekend so the bosses will not be around.  Today I stopped at Kwik Trip and got a bunch of donuts for everyone.  It was a big hit!  

Tonight I went to the coffeehouse and relaxed a bit, quite nice!  Next week is payday so this week will be kind of stretched tight.  Then the weekend!  I got the wedding up north and I will be able to see my niece and the rest of my family!  I am SOOO excited it should be a lot of fun and I am sure I will drink a lot so I will have to be very careful with points.  Its not like I drink a lot!  I am on a lot of meds, so I actually never drink.  Its nice to just have a fun time every once in awhile.  

Anyway, thank god its friday!

I have been in Weight Watchers three times. Everytime I get to the 15lb mark, I quit. Or I sabotage myself. For the longest time, I didn't know why. But I've really been searching myself for the reason. I think I've found it. I am afraid of people wanting to get close to me or want to get to know me because I look better. I don't want to do that anymore. I emailed my weight watchers leader and she emailed me the most inspiring email. I now think that it IS possible for me to get past this barrier. I CAN do this. Not only can I do it, I WILL do it. I believe in myself and I am ready to face my life with all the strength I can. I feel GOOD!

I was wondering if anyone wanted to see pictures of my niece, Kaityn??

If so, go to my user info and you can see my public album! 

Sorry about the post last night.. I was having a pity  party for myself.

Today was much better, everything from yesterday has been resolved and I don't have to dread going in to work tomorrow. I have my WI tonight. A little nervous because I have been eating like shit. I am sure I gained but that doesn't mean I have to throw it all away. Just get back on track and have a better week next week. I have some issues with my past surrounding losing weight and being seen differently and possibly have the male element giving me more attention. So its usually around the 15lb mark that I start sabotaging myself. I am trying to work through this and hopefully I can.

I want to be able to play with my niece when I see her. I want her to have fun memories of an aunt who has had a very hard time but is finally getting better. I want to show my family that I am not a lost cause and that I do care about myself and I am trying to be a better person. I want the world.

I had a really shitty day at work.   Then because I was upset I came home and ate and ate and ate.  I just finished off a bowl of popcorn and now I am watching Intervention on tv.  I have a bad feeling that I gained A LOT this week.  I am afraid to even step on the scale.  I am afraid to go to the meeting tomorrow.  I feel like I don't only let myself down, and I also let the leader, (who is REALLY cool!) Lynn down.  I feel like people can see that I just binged on food and that they see what a pig i am.  Call me a little paranoid.  But thats how I get sometimes... Did anyone have a good day?  If so, I'd like to hear it! 

Uggh.. I just ate two donuts... I was doing so well this week. They were just laying there and I couldn't stop thinking about them.. I guess I just make the rest of the day better. Although I would just like to say "fuck it" and eat like nuts the rest of today. I've been up since 7AM on my day off. I had a cup of coffee and a couple cigarettes. Yeah quitting smoking is not going well. I am downloading Itunes music. Now all I need to do is get an Ipod someday. Well, more later. I am going to Ethnic Fest today so that should be fun! Catch you later!

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? No
02) What was your dream growing up? I wanted to be in the Navy!
03) What talent do you wish you had? The ability to shave my toes without cutting them
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? A bottle of Smirnoff Triple Black
05) Favorite vegetable? Corn
06) What was the last book you read? She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
07) What zodiac sign are you? Gemini
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. Just 3 holes in each ear
09) Worst Habit? Biting my nails
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Probably
11) What is your favorite sport? I used to play basketball but I love watching football
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Optimistic most of the time
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Find out more about you
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Having my dad die on Halloween in 2000
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. I love Harry Potter
16) Do you have any pets? A dog, Jake
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? I'd ask you in
18) What was your first impression of me? Well, I don't know you too well, but you seem very nice!
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? SCARY
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Lose weight and dress better
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Probably a little of both
22) What color eyes do you have? Blue
23) Ever been arrested? No not yet
24) Bottle or can soda? Bottle
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Buy myself a car and pay off old debts
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at? Jenn's Java - a coffeehouse
28) Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Cross stitch and computer programming
30) Do you swear a lot? Yes..
31) Biggest pet peeve? People who never know when to be quiet
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Creative
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? Yes
34) Favourite and least favourite food? Pizza and Veggies
35) Do you believe in God? Yes
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Sure

Please fill this out and post it!

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? No
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Well, today I got home from work a little after 2PM and then I went for a long walk with Mike, my roommate, and Jake, the dog. We walked along the lake (Lake Michigan) and went past the carferry (which goes from Manitowoc Wisconsin (where I live) to Ludington Michigan) Then we walked through the downtown and back to the house. It only took about 45 minutes, but the weather is perfect today.. 60s and partly sunny. In the morning its really cold, but by mid afternoon its really nice. I think I am starting to get my eating under control. I know I probably have a ways to go, but I am beginning to feel a little in control.

 Today my friend Aimee was over and we got bored so we decided to walk to the Kwik Trip gas station.  I was hungry and craving something sweet.  But instead of buy candy or donuts or anything, I bought a diet soda and an apple.  She looked at me like I was crazy but it did the trick!  

I just got off work today, and boy was it slow.  We pretty much sat around and talked in the back room.  4.5 hours of talking, prepping food, and the occasional customer.  I just ate a 6 inch Roast Beef sub.  Its on the 6 grams of fat or less list.  I think that I am doing better at not eating so much.. Hopefully my stomach is shrinking a little.  I need to eat slower though, I eat too fast and then eat too much.  Thus I make myself feel sick.  A LOT.  I've noticed however, that my heartburn is getting better.  Its gotten so bad that I am up all night and it hurts so bad I have even cried...  So anyways, I'm home now.  I've got tomorrow off, I can relax...  Yay!

I am not sure exactly what I should say.  I am returning to the web after a 2 year absence.  I am trying to lose weight and make myself healthy again.  My eye opener about my weight was when I wanted to play with my 18 month niece and I ran out of energy and breath almost immediately.  While this journal will deal a lot with my weight loss, it will also deal with my depression and some fun things too!  It will be nice to have an outlet for these things!!